Udah Siap Nikah?

What an interesting topic to arise, no? Liat aja di social media sekarang, banyaaaaak banget orang (especially cewek-cewek) yang pengen nikah muda, yang pengen nikah cepet. I personally, of course, am one of them. Tapi ada banyak hal yang bikin saya nimbang-nimbang lagi buat nikah cepet.

1. The readiness of me and.....my future husband. I mean whether I'm TRULY ready or not.
2. The fund.
3. The responsibilities.
4. The dreams I (still) want to reach.

Emang ada sih beberapa temen yang sekarangnya udah nikah. Yes, at my age, 21. And marriage looks so tempting. Kelihatannya pada happy-happy banget, seneng, hidupnya tentram, dst. Kebanyakan sih dari pihak ceweknya yang ngomong gitu. Kalo dari cowoknya ya nggak tau lah ya, since they're not very verbal creatures, too. 

Cuman ada juga beberapa newly-wed-female yang kesannya jadi sok tahu sama pernikahan since they're already in it. Jadi sok-sok ngajarin, ngasi nasehat tentang kehidupan percintaan, intinya sok tahu lah. And that's what disgusts me so much about them. You know, sometimes it's not what they say, but about how they say it.

I got into so many foolishness before I am able to think what I think right now. I believe it's okay. It doesn't matter how many mistakes you made in the past, as long as you can use it properly to reach your betterment day by day.

Well, I was very very naive when I thought of marriage. As a young lady, I really wanted to get married as young as possible. As a post-modern human, I didn't want my parents to match me with somebody. Now I think it's okay but some people still believe it's not. It's okay.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus; that's why they met on Earth.

Menurut saya ini bisa menjelaskan kenapa cewek sama cowok itu beda banget, and they need something that can unite them. Cewek itu otaknya visioner banget. Bisa aja cowok sama cewek baru pedekate tapi ceweknya udah mikirin gimana kalo mereka pacaran, gimana kalo ngenalin pacarnya ke orang tua, gimana kalo mereka nikah, punya anak, bla bla bla bla. Cowok kalo tau isi otaknya cewek kayaknya bakalan ngerasa ngeri banget.

Tapi cewek memang berpikir seperti itu. I do, too. Pembelaan saya sederhana: "How would I want to build a relationship but I don't have a willingness to be with him for the rest of my life?" I can't be with a guy that cannot fulfill my future visions. Some of my visions maybe very wild, though. I need to imagine how me and him looks like carrying a baby, visiting my grandpa. If I don't like my vision, this guy can't be with me. I also need to picture me and him kissing. If I don't feel the willingness of kissing him, why would I want him to be my husband?

Sayangnya (atau untungnya), hidup nggak berjalan seperti itu. Some relationships don't work well, and some of us fall in love with people we never expect before. Bisa aja dia tetangga kita, temen dari kecil, atau orang asing yang nggak pernah kita temui sebelumnya, bahkan sahabat kental yang nggak pernah kita duga. Anything can happen.

Let's get back to line.

Pernah nemuin cewek yang ngebet banget pengen nikah, dan udah ngasitau seluruh dunia gimana pernikahan impiannya? Biarin aja. Cewek emang kayak gitu. 

Back then, I was so naive by creating so many dream marriages. Saya masih punya beberapa, pastinya. Cuma, saya lagi belajar buat meredam keinginan itu sedalam mungkin and less expect about it, supaya saya nggak berkelana sampe utopia kemudian sadar kalo dunia itu nggak nyata. And then I get back to Earth, falling really hard. 

Nggak salah punya mimpi, tapi jangan lupa juga untuk realistis. Pengen nikah muda? Emangnya pacar kamu udah siap? Atau cuma kamu doang yang siap? Apa? Pacar kamu bilang dia siap? Yakin dia nggak bilang gitu cuma buat nyenengin kamu?

I know a couple dimana ceweknya udah ngebet banget nikah tapi cowoknya cuek-cuek aja. Ceweknya ini, kalo kamu kasih dia foto-foto resepsi pernikahan dari axioodotcom, dia pasti jerit-jerit terkagum-kagum, langsung bilang pengen nikah. Kayaknya kalo SEKARANGJUGA cowoknya tiba-tiba ngajakin nikah, cewek ini pasti langsung mau nggak pake mikir. 

Kalo liat foto bayi lucu-lucu, langsung pengen punya anak. Yah, saya juga gitu. Tapi bisa disubstitute sih. Kalo misalnya orang tua saya ngasi adek lagi, I would be more than happy huahahaha.

Yang kasian sih cowoknya (kalo emang cowoknya belum mikirin sama sekali buat nikah dalam waktu dekat). Namanya juga laki-laki, kan pengennya ngejer karir dulu, pengen main dulu, nunda nikah selama mungkin, bujang selama mungkin, sebelum mereka terikat pernikahan. Tapi ceweknya udah nebar kode kemanapun mereka pergi, kapanpun dan dimanapun. Ada keponakan lucu, foto bertiga, diupload ke social media. Kalo ada yang ngomenin lucu manis-manis muji betapa cocoknya mereka bertiga buat jadi satu keluarga, senengnya bukan main. Semua doa diamin-aminin. Ya bagus sih kalo doa baik diamin-aminin, there's nothing wrong with that. Nggak masalah juga kalo cowoknya juga nyambut. Lha kalo cowoknya cuek-cuek aja? Saya sih sebagai pengamat malah ngerasa kasihan sama ceweknya.

Lagian, yakin udah siap membangun rumah tangga? Ngehadapin prahara seumur hidup? Good luck.

Selanjutnya tentu masalah uang. I had this very interesting conversation with a friend of mine which is a boy, about Dana Pernikahan dan Apa-Apa yang Ngintil di Belakangnya.

"Suv, kemarin saya kan ikut ngebantuin persiapan nikahan saudara. Ternyata nikah dan berkeluarga biayanya gede banget ya."

"Ya emang." I said.

"Ya maksudnya, coba pikir deh. Nikah aja kan butuh resepsi, ngedatengin penghulu, acara hiburan, katering, undangan, seserahan, mas kawin. Belum lagi ntar kalo udah nikah. Beli rumah, kendaraan, furnitur, kalo punya anak, peralatan bayi, biaya masuk sekolah, pakaian baju-baju, asuransi, uang jajan, gadget, pengeluaran nggak terduga. Banyak ya, Suv. Banyak banget. Gimana cara dapetin uangnya, Suv?"

Tuh, cowok tuh sebenernya mikirin tentang pernikahan, tapi yang mereka pikirin ya duitnya. How much it will cost to create women's happiness. Mereka berusaha lho buat bikin kita ciwi-ciwi ini seneng. Jangan dikira mereka nggak mikirin apa-apa. Apalagi kalo pernikahan impian ceweknya semegah yang ada di axioodotcom itu. Modyar. 

Kalo anaknya orang kaya punya kilang minyak dimana-mana sih ya terserah sih. Hahahaha.

Let's get realistic aja. Sebagai cewek jaman sekarang, kita juga nggak bisa bergantung sepenuhnya sama suami. Nggak malu apa minta-minta terus? Saya sih malu. Pengennya punya penghasilan sendiri nantinya, jadi kalo mau belanja-belanji nggak minta terus. Bantu suami juga. Pengennya sih gitu broooooooooooooo.

Lagian, ngurusin anak kan nggak gampang. Ngebesarin anak satu butuh sedesa. Nggak percaya? Yaudah, hahaha. Saya emang belum pernah punya anak, tapi saya juga ikut ngurus adek saya, dulu. Saya punya adek waktu saya masih kelas lima SD. Kalo kata orang tua saya sih, umur segitu udah bisa ngemong bayi. Saya disuruh ikut ngurus bayi, biar nggak kaget nanti kalo punya anak. So, I had to learn how to carry a baby properly, ngeganti popok, bahkan nyuci popok yang masih ada tai-tai encer itu loh. Sumpah deh itu muntah-muntah mulu pas nyucinya. Feses bayi emang nggak sebau feses orang dewasa, tapi bukan berarti nggak bau. Belum lagi kalo nangis malem-malem, bisa satu isi rumah nggak bisa tidur. Kalo ngompol tapi ngelewatin batas perlak, kudu nyuci seprai, jemur kasur. And it's not easy. Nyeduh bubur, bikinin susu yang bisa sehari belasan kali. Nggak mudah. Ngurus anak orang lain aja nggak gampang, gimana ngurus anak sendiri? Harus bener-bener siap. Karena, sekalinya tu anak lahir, tanggung jawabnya selamanya.

Making love only takes five minutes. Pregnancy only lasts for nine months and ten days. The responsibility? It haunts you for the rest of your life.

Jadi, kalo saya sih mendingan kerja dulu lah. Pengen sih nikah muda, tapi saya juga nggak mau ngerepotin. Jadi nahan-nahan dulu pengen nikahnya. Nggak enak juga kalo saya ngebet-ngebet tapi cowok idamannya nggak mau. 

Gimanapun isi otaknya, keadaannya, kalo emang udah siap semua ya mendingan nikah, sih. Yang penting kedua belah pihak bahagia dan nggak ngerasa dipaksa/dirugiin.

Semoga bahagia, semuanya!

Daddy's Call

I woke up this morning to the sound of my phone ringing. There was a call from my dad. He asked me whether I had received the phone credits he sent me, I said yes. Then he asked me a few questions about my conditions; do I need something more, am I alright, and so on and so forth. Then he told me not to worry about finishing my thesis, which relieves me so much. He told me its his job and my mother's job to make sure their children doesn't feel lack of anything. I nearly cried at that time because it felt like my dad had just read the writing I posted just a night ago. I think parents' feelings to their daughters and sons are just that strong. It's like they know everything and always knowing how to make their children calm again.

I do not always adore my parents; there are times when I'm really just sick of what they're saying and what they're doing. Sometimes I'm mad to them. I think it's just a phase everyone has with their parents, don't they? Doesn't mean I don't love them, though. I love them very much, I want to make them proud of me.

Again and again, I hope my grandfather gets well really soon. If you read this and pray for my grandfather too, I really am thankful for praying with me.

May Allah always bless you, good people.

My Love For You Is Cheesy, I'm Sorry

Sometimes I just run out of words for showing you how much you mean to me. It's not easy, you know, loving you. I have to cope with your indifferences, your rudeness (yes, you're rude), your selfishness, and so on. Yet, I can't help but falling in love with you every day.

Sometimes I'm afraid I may be exaggerated. It's just me. When I fall in love with someone, I put all my heart into it. Sometimes I may be annoying and very very protective. It's just my way of loving you; I hope you're not bored. I do hope I could make it less, you know, my protectiveness. My insecurity. Yes. I'm afraid of losing you. THAT MUCH.

Sometimes I feel like I want to explode and just give up holding you. Sometimes I feel like I deserve more than the way you treat me, but that's just not how love works. I realize I need to remember, that to love someone is to give, not to expect. Sometimes I get too busy expecting your attention, that I forget to give you mine. Sometimes I get too busy whining for what you don't do instead of appreciating what you have done to me.

I will fight for you until I'm tired. I will fight for you until I don't feel anything towards you, which I hope never happen.

I always want you to be happy, you know. No matter what.

Below Expectation

Pernah nggak, ngerasa takut what you do in your life cannot fulfill the expectation from your parents? I'm currently on that state. Well, almost in my whole life, my parents (maybe) are proud of me because of my accomplishments during schools. Tapi sekarang? Saya takut. Takut kalo what I do is not enough yet buat mereka. Takut kalo apa yang dilakuin nggak bisa mencapai ekspektasi dan harapan mereka. And that's what burden me these few weeks.

It's because of my thesis, apparently.

Ngerjain thesis itu sebenernya bisa diburu-buru, but I don't like working that way. Saya pengennya thesis ini bisa jadi bagus, rapih, because it is my biggest project in my university life. Something that my parents cannot understand because they did not experience it. Not that I underestimate my parents ya. I'm really proud of them regardless their educational background. It's just that, it's hard to explain to my parents that this thesis is really important for me and that they just cannot force me. I will, I will definitely want to have it done in perfection, and not regretting it. I am, thinking about them every second and every breath. They do not need to worry. The problem is that my family is not the type of family that express all our feelings to each other. We rarely say 'I love you' just because we're not used to. We know we love each other. We just know it. Actually, everything went better since my younger brother was born.

Moreover, my father has just called me and telling me that my grandfather is in hospital. To be honest, that doesn't actually affect me. What concerns me more is my mother. I really want to go back home but I'm afraid that I will only give more burden to my mother. You know, she's the type of very honest person and if she's mad, she sometimes says......not good things.

I know my parents put really high expectations from me. I'm really really scared if I cannot meet the expectations. Takut banget kalo orang tua kecewa. I don't want too disappoint them tapi kadang-kadang capek juga diharepin tinggi-tinggi terus. Kadang-kadang saya juga pengen hidup 'agak' ngerasa lepas, tanpa ada harapan macem-macem dari orang tua, get relaxed sementara waktu, enjoying my life.

Is that selfish?

Auk ah. Sekarang mendingan berdoa dulu kali ya semoga kakek cepet sembuh, or diberi yang terbaik sama Allah SWT. Because, fyi, as far as I know kakek itu pernah curhat ke ibu kalo udah pengen kembali aja ke Allah, katanya udah capek hidup di dunia. maybe it's better of me to wish for the best for him.

Anyone who read this, minta doanya juga ya, semoga kakek saya diberikan apa yang dia butuhkan oleh Tuhan. Terima kasih banyak loh :)

Amiin.

Mencari Sesuap Nasi

Sebagai seseorang yang memiliki tujuan hidup, saya adalah salah seorang yang tujuan hidupnya berubah-ubah sesuai mood, ataupun tidak terduga. Beberapa bulan lalu, saya punya tujuan ingin magang di PR Agency, setahun sebelumnya saya ingin sekali bekerja di stasiun TV, percetakan, ataupun majalah dan koran. Kemudian, saya punya tekad untuk mencari sesuap nasi dan menetap di Bandung, bukan Jakarta (dengan berbagai alasan saya). Kini, entah kenapa, sepertinya saya ingin bekerja di Jakarta.

Tapi, alasan utama saya bukan karena uang yang (mungkin) melimpah.

Alasan utama saya masih passion. Saya masih ingin dibayar untuk menulis. Saya rindu menjadi sibuk, mengeluh atas sedikitnya waktu luang yang saya punyai. Rasanya lebih baik daripada mendapati diri saya tidak melakukan apapun kecuali mengerjakan skripsi, kemudian memiliki berjam-jam waktu luang meratapi diri saya yang belum berpenghasilan. Bagi saya, it's not an achievement.

And I'm not proud of that.

Saya kembali ingin bekerja di majalah, menjadi junior editor whatsoever, ketimbang bekerja di PR agency menghadapi klien-klien, menjual barang/produk yang belum tentu saya sukai. Saya ingin berada di balik meja, menulis yang banyak, kemudian berkeliling, berjalan-jalan setelah itu menuliskan apa yang saya alami. Saya ingin menulis yang banyak, banyak sekali.

Saya juga kembali ingin bekerja di percetakan, membaca banyak buku dan menulis yang banyak. I want to do what I love.

Tapi, jika saya memiliki kesempatan untuk mencapainya di Bandung, itu akan lebih baik lagi. Suasananya yang lebih hangat, lebih bersahabat, and less traffic jam, membuat saya ingin tinggal di kota ini lebih lama lagi.

More importantly, I want to start living independently, away from my parents. Not that I don't love them; I do, so much. I just want to explore my ability more and improve and develop myself more. Something that I believe (somehow) will not be able to be achieved with my parents behind my back all the time. I need to stand alone and struggling for myself.

First thing first, I need to have my thesis done by the end of this month. DEFINITELY.

Mengenai Ibadah

Jujur aja, akhir-akhir ini saya lagi jarang beribadah (kalau definisi ibadah adalah shalat lima waktu, apalagi membaca Al-Quran). I'm not proud of it, and I don't intend to tell it to everybody, though, because I think what for? 

The reason why I write this piece of curhatan is that I miss ibadah. Kangen, kangen merasa rindu sama Yang Maha Kuasa, kangen merasa butuh bicara sama Sang Pencipta. Because, you know lah the feeling of disuruh-suruh ibadah pake ancaman masuk neraka dll? That doesn't work for me (and maybe some other people). Soalnya ya, siapa sih yang suka disuruh-suruh tapi pakai ancaman? Bukannya pengen ngelakuin, malah makin males. Wrong approach.

Bukan berarti saya nggak pernah inget sama Tuhan. Bukan berarti saya mengabaikan Dia. Saya rindu merindukan Dia. Sayangnya, belum ada yang bisa memotivasi saya untuk bertemu dengannya (lagi) lewat shalat. Saya dalam kedudukan di mana saya merasa dengan mengingat-Nya banyak-banyak, saya sudah "bicara" dengan-Nya. I know I need to change that. I know anybody can help me, but only me can change myself.

Satu hal lagi yang bikin saya malah nggak termotivasi untuk jadi lebih rajin beribadah: orang-orang yang suka pamer kebaikannya dan "kedekatannya" dengan Tuhan di social media. I mean, bisa kan bedain mana yang sharing, mana yang pamer?

"Kangen Allah, abis baca Al-Quran hati jadi tenang banget subhanallah :')"

Kayak gitu misalnya. I'm sick reading that line.

Beda sama kalimat-kalimat yang misalnya langsung mengutip Al-Quran. Itu terasa lebih baik. Mengingatkan secara nggak langsung, dan kalo kita ngebaca ya, kita juga jadi beribadah. Kan enak di kedua belah pihak.

Why do you repot-repot ngasitau saya kalo you lagi shalat tahajud? Nggak penting. Totally nonsense to me. Nggak paham.

Saya punya beberapa teman yang ibadahnya jauh lebih rajin daripada saya, dan emang menyenangkan ngobrol sama mereka. Saya jadi termotivasi untuk jadi pribadi yang lebih baik, karena mereka juga baik. Saya jadi ingin hidup lebih teratur, karena mereka terlihat rapi dan tersusun hidupnya, juga akhlaknya.

Tapi ya jauh dalam hati saya, saya ingin jadi rajin. Nggak tau kenapa, di setiap jenjang pendidikan, ada aja yang bikin saya males. Untung kalo di rumah orang tua saya rewel nyuruhin saya shalat. Ngingetin saya juga untuk baca Al-Quran, meskipun nggak sering. At least, they remind me of God.

I have no particular reasons writing this except to express how I feel. I mean no offence to any party whatsoever.

Thank you for reading.