Below Expectation

Pernah nggak, ngerasa takut what you do in your life cannot fulfill the expectation from your parents? I'm currently on that state. Well, almost in my whole life, my parents (maybe) are proud of me because of my accomplishments during schools. Tapi sekarang? Saya takut. Takut kalo what I do is not enough yet buat mereka. Takut kalo apa yang dilakuin nggak bisa mencapai ekspektasi dan harapan mereka. And that's what burden me these few weeks.

It's because of my thesis, apparently.

Ngerjain thesis itu sebenernya bisa diburu-buru, but I don't like working that way. Saya pengennya thesis ini bisa jadi bagus, rapih, because it is my biggest project in my university life. Something that my parents cannot understand because they did not experience it. Not that I underestimate my parents ya. I'm really proud of them regardless their educational background. It's just that, it's hard to explain to my parents that this thesis is really important for me and that they just cannot force me. I will, I will definitely want to have it done in perfection, and not regretting it. I am, thinking about them every second and every breath. They do not need to worry. The problem is that my family is not the type of family that express all our feelings to each other. We rarely say 'I love you' just because we're not used to. We know we love each other. We just know it. Actually, everything went better since my younger brother was born.

Moreover, my father has just called me and telling me that my grandfather is in hospital. To be honest, that doesn't actually affect me. What concerns me more is my mother. I really want to go back home but I'm afraid that I will only give more burden to my mother. You know, she's the type of very honest person and if she's mad, she sometimes says......not good things.

I know my parents put really high expectations from me. I'm really really scared if I cannot meet the expectations. Takut banget kalo orang tua kecewa. I don't want too disappoint them tapi kadang-kadang capek juga diharepin tinggi-tinggi terus. Kadang-kadang saya juga pengen hidup 'agak' ngerasa lepas, tanpa ada harapan macem-macem dari orang tua, get relaxed sementara waktu, enjoying my life.

Is that selfish?

Auk ah. Sekarang mendingan berdoa dulu kali ya semoga kakek cepet sembuh, or diberi yang terbaik sama Allah SWT. Because, fyi, as far as I know kakek itu pernah curhat ke ibu kalo udah pengen kembali aja ke Allah, katanya udah capek hidup di dunia. maybe it's better of me to wish for the best for him.

Anyone who read this, minta doanya juga ya, semoga kakek saya diberikan apa yang dia butuhkan oleh Tuhan. Terima kasih banyak loh :)

Amiin.