Saturday, 9 August 2014

Hubbub

It has been a really long time since the last time I wrote in here. Truth be told, I have saved so many drafts in this blog, but all of them got stuck so I did not post anything for more than a month. I mean, you can see many spider webs on every corner of this blog.

I am a fresh graduate, and many have asked my what I am going to do with my life. Honestly, I have sooooo many plans to be executed, but yes I am still confused. I want to go to school again, pursue my master's degree. Yet, I can't do that with my parents money because they have told me that they can't afford more education for me so I have to go by myself. Of course my first plan is to look for a scholarship. I found one that interested me most and I decided to try for Indonesian university. Then, people are asking, why don't I try overseas? Let's see.... How do I answer that question?

Some of my close friends know that I really want to go study in New Zealand. In Auckland University, to be exact. So why I don't pursue it now?

I feel insecure. I have nothing to guarantee living in New Zealand, and by nothing I really mean nothing. Of course there will be settlement fee from the scholarship, but I still feel insecure. This is my biggest dream and I want it to be perfect (now I'm heard like a girl who is about to lose her virginity where she wants it to be 'special'). I am afraid if I reach my biggest dream now, I would lose something. I would lose my goal. I always dream of going abroad with my own ability. In my mind, that means working then studying in Auckland with my own money (or still, scholarship). If I reach that now, I am afraid I will lose myself.

I also want to work, of course. However, this is also a really difficult consideration. I want to get a job that I love so much so I don't feel like working. I want to pursue my passion. I want to work passionately and it's hard. And I need money to live. I can't just look for any random job because I think it's interesting, I need to think hard.

Several days ago, I received an email, an interview invitation from a company in Jakarta. The email was sent at 5.10pm, and it asked me to attend an interview the day after. I was shocked. I live in Cirebon and for me that was too sudden. Then, I wrote a request to reschedule the interview. Unfortunately, until today I do not receive any response.

I mean, I know for some part, it was my fault because I did not attend the interview for that simple reason. My parents were okay with that, but I think today they do not. They start commenting on my daily activities and somehow it disturbs me. You know, I really want to make them proud of me but I just feel like... this is not how it is supposed to be. I want to say many things but I am worried if they think that I am ungrateful. You know, as a daughter, sometimes I feel the need to be supported. I also need to be understood. If I told my friends, I am afraid if they will think bad of me. See, sometimes people only want to be heard, right?

I know, I have so many things to be grateful about. I have parents who are really care of me, a shelter to live, food on the table every time I want to eat, and many more things. I would not be a bachelor if it weren't because of them. 

The thing is, sometimes I need to be supported emotionally. I need to feel secure. And today I do not feel secure. 

I do not know what will happen after I finish writing this. I only want to share something on my blog. I want you to know that even I feel insecure sometimes and it is okay. Other people feel that, too. You are not alone.

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