Saturday, 28 November 2020

A Loss of A Best Friend, and How I Try Moving On

Hello, again, for the n-th time. I am currently reading Jimin's Weverse Magazine and tiba-tiba pengen nulis aja di sini. Not many people are reading my Blog post jadi kayaknya I can convey my feelings more raw than the usual.

Jimin bilang kalo setelah beberapa lama, akhirnya he gets the gist of the situation; regarding Covid-19 and the inability to meet ARMY, and how we won't know how he will react ketika finally meeting them (us).

Jadi keinget. Bukan keinget sih, kayak reminded aja.

My father, also my best friend, passed away early this month. November 4th, to be exact. Sedih rasanya tapi ada lega juga? Kayak... Lega akhirnya Bapak nggak sakit lagi, lega Bapak nggak usah worry about anything anymore. Ya Allah, berikan tempat terbaik buat Bapak, ya? Ampun dosa-dosa Bapak, ya? Terima semua amalannya, ya?

How I cope with the situation? Situasinya nggak mudah. Aku, mamak, dan Panca, we have to adjust with this new condition. Kami bersyukur bisa langsung melanjutkan hidup: I know Panca is strong. Mamak handles this better than I expected. She is a fighter since the very beginning. She taught me to be an independent woman, jadi akupun alhamdulillah baik-baik aja.

Tapi, kekosongan akan sosok Bapak pasti tetap ada. I live with him for 28 years, dan aneh rasanya ketika mengingat sosok Bapak dan sadar bahwa I can no longer hear his voice, bahwa I can no longer seeing his face in real-time. I have photos and videos, tapi sampe sekarang masih aku hindari. I don't know why. Kayak... Belum pengen aja, nggak mau, maybe nggak sanggup? I don't know.

I told Mom about this and she told me the same thing. Ternyata kita berdua punya cara yang sama kayaknya, dalam grieving and moving on? She told me she deleted almost all photos of my father on the phone. Not because she did not love him, but because she couldn't bear seeing the photos. I guess that's how we'll handle it.

We're not erasing the memories, but the memories are really kept in our mind that it hurts. It hurts that we remember it so well, maybe a photo will break our hearts. Maybe.

I miss you, Bapak. I already miss your jokes. It's unmatched. Your jokes were cheesy but they're the best.

See you in heaven later, Bapak. I hope we can meet and gather again as a family. I always love you.

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